One of the best pieces of marriage advice came from a talk we heard by John Bytheway. I don't remember if he had a catchphrase or a simple way to express this idea. I'll just paraphrase what we learned:
Appreciate your spouse. If you're not careful, his/her actions that you once appreciated become an expectation. Then over time, what you once expected becomes something you demand. You can avoid this harmful progression by expressing appreciation frequently and recognizing what your spouse does to serve you.
This was great advice! It helped us to recognize this pattern that can so easily develop out of sheer forgetfulness. We realized that we could avoid that pitfall. What does this look like in our marriage?
Aaron usually takes the garbage cans to the curb on garbage day. He is quite consistent. I usually bring the cans back once they are emptied. I'm quite consistent. Even though we have assumed these symbiotic roles out of habitual repetition, Aaron still makes a point to thank me for bringing in the cans, and vice versa. On the off-chance that one of us forgets and does not perform their usual task, the other just does it. There is no fight, no interrogation.
Aaron goes to work M-F for our family. I try to make a point to thank him for his hard work to put the food on the table and pay the bills. On evenings or his days off, he is willing to watch the baby while I fulfill other responsibilities. If I neglect to thank him - because it's his duty and I should just expect it - he'll probably do it anyway. But a little gratitude goes a long way. While he is at work, I take care of the baby and try to keep the house in order. I try to keep up on laundry, do the grocery shopping, and cook meals. Because of John Bytheway's advice, Aaron thanks me for taking care of the baby. He thanks me for dinner and keeping the fridge stocked. Does that always happen perfectly? No. But he doesn't question or scold me or demand that I do better. The longer we go without expressing gratitude, the closer we come to simply expecting, and then critically demanding our spouse's service. When we appreciate each other, we are more flexible and willing to accept faults and setbacks.
It really does make a difference for both of us.
If you haven't ever seen the movie Christmas With the Cranks...SPOILER ALERT!
This movie is about a couple who recently became empty-nesters when their daughter moved out to join the Peace Corps. Christmas was approaching, and the husband calculated the expense of the season: decorations, donations, parties, food, gifts, gifts, gifts. When they realized how much Christmas typically costed them, they decided that this year, they would skip the Christmas formalities and use all the saved money to go on a cruise.
That's the premise. And the rest of the movie is about how their neighbors and friends harassed them, shunned them, and belittled them for their choice. In the end, the Cranks changed their mind and threw their annual holiday party at the last minute. The whole neighborhood was about to boycott the party, but since the daughter was coming home, they decided to help celebrate. It brought the whole neighborhood together, and everyone forgave them for being so heartless. The moral of the story is supposed to be "Don't be a Scrooge! Celebrate!"
But I think this story demonstrates how detrimental it is when a relationship degrades from appreciation to expectation to demand.
The Crank family had been throwing an annual neighborhood Christmas party for several years. They invited the whole neighborhood. They provided food and drinks and fun! They hosted this in their home. That involved cleaning, decorating, and rearranging. How exhausting (albeit socially rewarding) for them! Yet they did it year after year, creating unity and contributing to the holiday spirit in the neighborhood. Wowza! What a service! What an awesome contribution! Did anyone really appreciate it?
Suddenly one year this family chose not to be the host of the party. They didn't want to spend the money! They chose not to buy a tree, not to put up the decorations, not to be the neighborhood gurus of Christmas spirit. So what happened? They were the talk of the neighborhood. Kids chanted outside their home to coerce them to perform the dangerous ritual of mounting a giant snowman to the roof. Carolers persistently sang loudly at their door. Clearly, over the years the neighborly relationship had succumbed to the downward progression of appreciate to expect to DEMAND.
Let's take a lesson from Christmas With the Cranks: Appreciate others!
And maybe be more subtle about your Christmas cruise plans.
Also, express gratitude to your loved ones for what they do for you. Recognize that even repetitive acts of service deserve a "thank you"!
Also, express gratitude to your loved ones for what they do for you. Recognize that even repetitive acts of service deserve a "thank you"!
