Parenting Philosophies

 I've been thinking about fleshing out our parenting philosophy. We have learned from many different parenting sources, and we have also gleaned from personal experience and observation. We generally strive for a positive, respectful parenting approach. This is not a comprehensive listing, but here are a few important points:

No baby talk: We speak to our daughter in a normal voice using normal words. We once taught a class of 4- and 5-year-olds at church. One child in particular seemed as bright as the others but had some unusual speech characteristics. They would say things like "me want ma-ma" and they used the kind of goo-goo-ga-ga voice you might hear from a talking baby doll. It all made sense when we met the parents. Using high voice inflections you might use to interact with a dog plus Elmer Fudd pronunciation, the parents came to collect their child after class with puckered lips:  "Oh we'we so happy to see ouw wittow baby! Come hewe. Awww...Did you miss ma-ma and da-da?" We saw first hand how their baby talk made their kid stand out in a negative way. It can be a real challenge not to use baby words when it's so cute to hear our daughter mispronounce words. But we try to hold strong. One example is how she used to say the word "penguin". She would say "bawden". It was so cute. Even so, we tried really hard to always say "penguin" correctly. Our philosophy is that children need to learn to speak their language properly by hearing adults saying regular words and using proper grammar. (There is a thing called mirroring or mimicking babies, and that's okay. It means when the baby is making sounds, sometimes you can make their same sounds back to them. They really like it, and it's more of a game than how you speak to them the rest of the time.)

No spanking: We don't use or threaten physical blows to punish our daughter. We want to teach by example that there are better ways to resolve problems, frustrations, and disagreements. Parents need to stay calm and safe when they teach their children. If that's not possible, parents need a time out. We can't teach children not to hit if we ourselves won't live up to that standard. 

No yelling: We do our best to use a calm, respectful voice to speak to our daughter, even when it needs to be firm. We are modeling the kind of speech we expect, even when she is not calm enough to reciprocate.

Say yes: We try to use opportunities to say "yes" when our daughter makes a request. "Yes, we can go to the library... after we clean up from lunch." We try to avoid using the word "no" constantly. No hitting. No pushing. No splashing. No running. No screaming. No climbing. Kids hear these phrases too often. We try to rephrase to a positive voice when we are trying to correct behavior. The goal is to teach what is appropriate: "use soft, gentle touches" vs "no hitting"; "say excuse me" vs "no pushing"; "keep the water in the bathtub" vs "no splashing"; "let's walk" vs. "no running"; "please use a regular voice or a whisper voice" vs. "no screaming"; "dressers are for clothing. Let's go climb at the playground instead." vs. "no climbing". Rather than constantly saying what is off limits, it's better to childproof trouble areas and make play areas that are safe. Lock the messy bedroom. Put the breakable things in a safe location. Keep the art supplies out of reach.

Read every day: We try to read out loud to our daughter daily. It is a great way to introduce new concepts and new vocabulary. We love to read the same books repeatedly, and we love to read new books together.

Feed the child: Keeping a fairly regular meal and snack schedule is helpful. We don't provide for snacking or grazing between the designated meal or snack times. We try to have snacks handy or pack a lunch if we'll be out of the house when we would normally provide food. Children will get cranky when hungry. If you want a pleasant, well-behaved child, feed them. 

Family meals: Eat together as a family whenever possible. Phones away. TV off. Let children participate in meal preparation where appropriate. 

"You don't have to eat it": Parents decide what food to serve and when. Children decide how much to eat. We always make sure to serve at least one familiar or "safe" food we know our daughter will probably eat. Beyond that, the foods we serve are the foods we are having. We don't make an alternate meal if she complains about it. We offer a small amount of everything on her plate, even if we don't think she'll eat it. She can ask for more of anything and eat her fill of it, even while not touching or trying other things. We don't use dessert - or the lack thereof - as a reward or punishment for how well/how much she eats. 

Understand children's developmental stage and parent accordingly: You can't expect a child to behave better than their age and temperament allows them to. For example, you can't expect a two-year-old to sit down, hold still, listen, and be quiet during a meeting or ceremony. If you hold the child to that expectation, you'll be frustrated and treat them as if they are being naughty when they wiggle and cry. Actually, they are behaving 100% appropriately for their age. So you as the parent have to plan ahead. You can bring toys and crayons and other entertainment. You can leave the room and take walks. If you really need to pay attention in that setting, you can get a babysitter. You can't blame a child for misbehaving when your behavioral expectations are not in line with their development. 

Early bedtime: Keep a consistent, early bedtime. Hold to it as much as possible. Having a routine for bedtime is very helpful. Both parents should be able to perform the bedtime routine and accomplish bedtime independently as needed. Wind down before bed with quiet play and with TV and other electronics off. Children are cranky when they are tired. If you are going somewhere and you want a pleasant, well-behaved child, get them to sleep on time for a few days in a row. It can take time for a sleep-deprived child to catch up on sleep. 

Your attention is one of the best rewards: Children will go to great lengths to get attention. Whining and crying are often aimed at getting attention. Children will even misbehave if that is the only way to get a parent's attention. Children experiment to see what they can do to get the results they want. If they get a dramatic parental response - whether negative or positive - they will repeat that behavior. We try to praise good behaviors when we see them. We try to ignore annoying behaviors as much as possible. When we give lots more attention to the positive behaviors, we see lots more positive behaviors. The reverse works. If we are playing and enjoying time together and then she hits or bites, we can simply leave the room. After a brief time out, we can talk about it...this leads to my next point...

The do-over: Many problem behaviors happen as an experiment, especially in new situations. We always strive to warn about a punishment prior to enforcing it. But if enforcement is merited, we stick to what we said. Sometimes we can talk about what happened and teach the proper behavior. In many situations, we can then offer a do-over. Then she gets to go back and try to do the behavior the right way. God gives do-overs. We should too. It is especially helpful when we are in a new situation and she does the wrong thing while experimenting.  

Answer questions: We strive to give simple, matter-of-fact answers to questions. We don't want to say, "I'll tell you when you're older" to those uncomfortable queries. The goal is to provide answers in an honest, age-appropriate way as succinctly as possible. 

Play: Children need to play. Play is their work. They need some toys to do their job, and mainly not toys that do the work for them. Most toys shouldn't need to light up or play music (although kids love that, and there may be small a place for it). Most of the time the TV and other entertainment devices should be left off. The play area should generally be a safe, child-proofed place where anything in reach is acceptable to play with. Off-limits items should be out of reach, locked away, or otherwise inaccessible.  

We don't always live up to our philosophies. But these are a few of the things we feel are important.

Child's Self Portrait

A few helpful parenting resources we have used: Janet Lansbury janetlansbury.com, Ralphie Jacobs @simplyonpurpose, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Mark Weissbluth MD, Megan & Judy @feedinglittles, Kacie Barnes @mamaknows_nutrition, Susie Allison @busytoddler, Jennifer Anderson @kids.eat.in.color